Introducing: Nonnegotiables for Family Caregivers
What to ask for when you agree to take care of a loved one
Welcome to my weekly Friday newsletter. If you're looking for a way to prevent caregiver burnout, you're in the right place!
Today’s topic: Hamartia, aka The Fatal Flaw.
As an experienced family caregiver, one of the best tips I can give you for positioning yourself with your family and the loved one you will care for is to negotiate with all parties before you start. Even if you have already started, though, it's not too late to revamp your job to conserve your strength for you. That’s where the nonnegotiables come in.
I know. I know. This labor of love you’re about to take on or have already taken on does not feel like a job in your mind. But that perception often sets people on the fast track to burnout because—for the sake of love—they keep doing more. And more. And more. Until they just Can't. Do. Any. More....And that is where and why the burnout begins.
Instead, I strongly urge you to use your rational brain to figure out what you can and can't do; what you want or don't want to do; what makes sense as a job description for you. Then, make an adaptable agreement with your family or professional resources you need to work with on this journey. I say it should be “adaptable” because your circumstances of health, finance, or other life-sustaining resources may change, and the family agreement needs to be able to adapt to them. Family caregiving often comes on like a storm, and during an emergency we may agree to exhibit superpowers just to get through it.
Problem: Your superpower can be the worst enemy of your survival. The Greeks had a word for the fatal flaw: Hamartia. That’s what the selflessness of caregiving—the thing we all depend on when we’re disabled—can come to if you’re not careful about your own wants and needs.
Most family caregivers do not stop to think before the plunge in to the ocean of a disabled person's needs. Love, kindness, and loyalty overwhelm personal concerns. "Putting someone else first" becomes your singular goal. The trouble is, your own personal needs will surface at some point, and it's important to know you can get help before you disable yourself.
If you’re already overwhelmed, it isn’t too late to repair.
I coach overwhelmed caregivers, and through my own and their experience, I realize that the problem begins with what families take for granted about caregivers. My first thought used to be "how should I make my loved one's needs more important than mine?" and I arranged my caregiving life to do just that. Now, I realize that my first thought should be, "how can I organize my caregiving life so I can sustain myself and my loved one?" You might think of this as a caregiver’s way of "putting on your own mask first," the way we would put on an oxygen mask in an air travel emergency. Those instructions are pretty clear: Caregiver first. Why don’t we do that back here on terra firma?
Ask yourself: If you don't survive, who will be there for your loved one?
Is there another caregiver immediately available?
Your energy is not infinite. You need to conserve yourself so there will not be a shortage of you!
This is where nonnegotiables come in: by that, I mean the conditions that need to be met so you can sustain your life and do your caregiving job.
See you next week to consider Nonnegotiable #1: Your Caregiving Schedule.
Keep breathing. Stay Lucid.